It finally happened?

I just want to start off by saying that this is something I’ve thought about doing countless times but never had the guts to publish. The stories will be out of order in some cases, but as you join me I promise it will all make sense. I decided to publish this because recently I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I would like people to know what the world truly means to me.

I hate to start off on such a dark note, but this is something that went through my mind very recently and I wanted to share this first.

Death.

How does that word make you feel?

Does it scream dark and dangerous? Or peaceful and welcoming?

I, for one, was never sure. Sure, when I was a kid I was exposed to it, my parents never hid the gruesomeness of it all. “It’s part of the cycle of life,” they always said.

My grandpa died when I was five. Right in front of me. I was playing and went inside for water, and my older cousins, aunts, and uncles, and my parents crowded the cot in which my grandpa laid. Unknowingly it was his deathbed. He saw me and called me over in his deep voice, “Rida beta, come over here and sit beside me.” How could I say no? So I went over and just as he started to say something his breaths got shorter and harder and he seemed to have a difficult time breathing, but the entire time he held my hand and seemed to tell me with his eyes that he was fine when he was clearly not. My aunts tried to shove me out of the way, but he held onto me tight and although he wasn't able to look at me his last words were, “Mainu janada ham ki tusim mainu mana mahisusa karoge” or “I know you’ll make me proud.”

To this day I look back and think about how high my grandfather really put me on his pedestal. I think about how much I was treasured in his heart and how much he was in mine.

But, the day came when I had to go get an ultrasound and found out that I had ovarian cancer. My heart really did stop, I only recently turned 16 and thought I had much more to look forward to. I know this isn't the worst case, and so many people have it far much worse than me, but in MY family and in MY life this is the worst case. The doctors day by day are looking into how to fix and cure me, and for that I am thankful. But, instantly my thoughts went to what my grandfather had said and I broke down into tears thinking in what way in my life have I done something in which he could be proud of me? Sure, I went to school, had amazing grades, loved my parents and siblings, but WHAT HAD I DONE TO MAKE GRANDPA PROUD?!

What could I have done differently? If I had known this would I have lived my life differently? The day before yesterday the doctor told me I had to have surgery immediately, so that’s what I did. But till now they're figuring out whether its gone or in some cases will never be gone.

So for me, the idea of death is not surprising, but it definitely creeps up on you in the most unexpected way possible. And so before it surprises YOU make sure to surprise IT.

LESSON: Definitely live life to the fullest, be the best you can every day, so that before you go to bed every night you can sleep peacefully without any regrets, and have the feeling that no matter when you die you did everything you could’ve done to help this world and the people around you as well as yourself.

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