Relationship Ramblings Chapter 15

The Other Shoe…

Sometimes I ask myself why I always wait for the other shoe to drop. I know the answer but for the sake of personal accountability, I won’t go to that realm yet. I never like to be taken by surprise with anything. I don’t even like surprise gifts. I was thrown kind of a surprise party once and i really enjoyed it…but as far as someone blindsiding me with some BS, I’m not with it.

People spend a lot of time massaging the BS they are about to blindside you with. Meaning they do work on both ends; they make themselves okay with whatever they are doing behind your back so when they present it to YOU, they’ve already justified things in their head AND have figured out a way to be the victim.

I’m the opposite. If I do some BS, I’m make the person I did it to the victim while remaining contrite and apologetic. In a addition to that, I treat the situation that I entered into like the tyrant that victimized me. For example; “the situation got a hold of me at a vulnerable time but I was so caught up that I didn’t know how to shake loose…I need your help in this time of brokenness and wreakness”. This can go one of 2 ways; she can be mad AND help me OR she can be mad and say I’m full of it.

Here’s the facts; she WILL come to me at an inconvenient time for us…things will be going well and she is going to feel comfortable enough to blindside me with the “hey, remember back in xyz when this this and that happened? It was exactly what you thought but I was blah blah blah”.

How I respond to this is determined by a lot; where we are at the time: relationally, economically & geographically. Those will factor in on how I respond. It shouldn’t but it will. And God’s infinite wisdom knows this. He is in the midst of all of this open doors, closing doors, putting up barriers…I feel it. I just don’t know what for.

Now…onto the other shoe…I get that from my mom. Things between Jodi and I have been going well but I still have one eye on what “might be” or “might’ve been”. I can’t keep living like this though. It’s toxic for me. It hurts me to not live in the happiness of moments because of paranoia. I don’t enjoy it. But I also don’t want to end up looking like a fool. I realize I no longer trust fully because I know I’m susceptible to committing some boolishness…so in essence, I don’t trust me. That’s a bar. Not trusting me is a major component in all of this and I’m self-aware to know and understand that…

But now what?

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