Coffee with an old friend

The other day I called an old friend because a student of mine needed help and I knew she was the person to call. I could have emailed or texted but I had not spoken to her in a while so I picked up the phone. To my surprise she answered.

Our phone call was lovely. We briefly updated each other and I told her about my student and she was warm and eager to help. I suggested we meet up for coffee the following Monday and she was down.

The following Monday rolled around and I was running behind schedule. I pushed a couple things around and briefly contemplated canceling but I decided to show up and be present.

We spoke for an hour and a half and it felt like no time had passed. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her company. I learned more about what was going on in her life. She updated me on her children, her marriage and her work.

After she left I stuck around to do some work. There were two girls next to me who appeared to be sisters having hot chocolate. The older one says to the younger one, I don’t know why don’t we do this more often. The younger one says well you are too busy living your life. I felt the way.

Why don’t we reach out more often? Here is what I think.

Too Much Time Has Passed

When you stop talking to a friend, it can happen little by little. You go from talking everyday to once or twice a week. Before you know it, months or years can pass by. I have some high school friends I have not spoken to for 10 years. Their numbers have not changed and they are still in my phone book.

Fear of Rejection

I think people get scared to be rejected so they don’t even bother. They think people might be too busy or not care enough to make time. I know I often hesitate to reach out to people and its something that I am working on.

Less in Common

In high school or college, your friends are due largely to circumstance. You are in the same classrooms or activities. As adults, everyone is in a different stage in their life. You may be single, married, having children. All this adds layers of complexity that needs to be managed when making plans.

Social Media

Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn update me on what’s going on with people’s lives without me putting much effort in. Its an illusion of a relationship. I accept the curated version of someone’s life without really knowing whats going on. I have more than 500 friends on Facebook but I probably only talk to 10 or so in real life and socialize with 4 or 5. My inner circle of friends is small.

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